Pimping Kaidan

“Shepard reacts differently to stress than others of her species,” Mordin told Kaidan, matter-of-factly.

“She does at that,” Kaidan said. Most people would run away screaming from situations that made Shepard turn focused and cold - situations like working for Cerberus, Kaidan thought. He still hadn’t gotten a chance to ask her about that, seeing that he’d only arrived on the ship half an hour ago.

”…Was concerned about her,” the salarian scientist rambled on. “Outlying cases fascinating. Also problematic. Shepard most calm when in battle - before battle. Displayed signs of stress when in situations of relative calm.”

“That also sounds like Shepard,” Kaidan agreed.

“Tried to suggest regimen for Shepard’s mental health…”

Kaidan was about to say he was sure that hadn’t gone over well, but Mordin continued on at his rapid-fire pace:

“Talk-therapy, focused biotic training, combat training. And sexual release, of course. With or without partner.”

Kaidan’s gaze swung to the salarian. “Excuse me?” he choked out. He was certain he had not heard that correctly.

“Sexual desire a common side-effect of life-threatening situations,” the scientist explained, as if to a student. “For many species, human included.”

“Yeah, I got…that part,” Kate said slowly, thinking back to a certain life-or-death situation involving a midnight run to Ilos. “But you didn’t actually say that to Shepard? Aloud, I mean.”

“Naturally,” the scientist nodded. “Suggested self as partner. Sort of.”

“What?”

Kaidan stared, dumbfounded. This salarian had propositioned Shepard? How was this alien not dead? Maybe Shepard had just maimed him. Maybe this Mordin had healed the damage, seeing that he was a doctor and all.

“Thought Shepard was attracted to me,” the salarian said blithely, picking up his tools and wiping them down with quick, efficient movements. “Shepard often came by to talk. Body in continual state of sexual tension. Nipples hardened, enhanced blood flow to groin.”

“I… That…” Kaidan couldn’t manage to think with that picture in his mind, much less form a coherent reply.

“Also lower lid movements provocative,” Mordin added, tapping his fleshy face. “Felt flattered. Of all humans, Shepard most interesting.”

Kaidan found himself torn between burning jealously and disbelief. Mordin couldn’t be serious – could he?

“Wait,” Kaidan said. “You and Shepard…?” He didn’t even want to finish his sentence.

“No, no,” Mordin said, shaking his head. “I rebuffed; Shepard explained. Not interested. Either party.” He said this as though propositioning and being rejected by an N7 marine were an everyday occurrence. Hell, Kaidan thought, with this guy’s cheerful obliviousness, maybe it was.

Kaidan gulped, trying to swallow his laughter. “I’m still trying to picture this. You made a pass at Shepard?”

“Not I who made a pass!” Mordin said, indignantly. “Was she who made pass. Or thought she did. Doesn’t matter.” He shrugged. “Only concern for Shepard is as doctor. As friend. Hope Shepard finds suitable sexual release.”

And now Kaidan’s momentary amusement was gone again. His mind blanked once more.

“Haven’t ruled out possibility of asari mate,” Mordin was chattering on, as he continued to organize his desk, “but suspect she would be happier with human. Male probably.”

Mordin stopped there, looking up at Kaidan in a very clinical fashion.

“You would do. Are physically fit.”

“Come again?” Kaidan blinked.

“Yes,” the salarian said, his eyes narrowing and he fired up his omnitool and scanned Kaidan from head to crotch and back again. “Human, male, healthy. Muscular build attractive to human females. Also biotic, like Shepard. Could use that to advantage. Unless, have not learned how to control energies. L2 implants might cause problems. Have been with a woman before? Or virgin, perhaps?”

Mordin looked at Kaidan questioningly. This time Kaidan felt as if he was choking on his tongue.

“If new to mating process, have information,” Mordin went on, mistaking Kaidan’s utter shock for embarrassed inexperience, “Vids, books, studies on biotic sexuality, positions for comfort, exercises for taking control of energies. If virgin, can also suggest…”

“That’s okay, Mordin.” A voice spoke from the doorway, brimming with suppressed laughter. “I don’t think the major needs help in that department. You can keep your pimping efforts focused on Grunt.”

Kaidan felt his heart sink. And there she was - the master of awful timing. Of course, Shepard would overhear this conversation.

“Pimping?” Mordin frowned, affronted. “Am your physician. Your friend. Would never do such a thing.”

“I know, Mordin,” Shepard told the salarian. “I’m kidding. Just leave the major alone. He’s on loan from the Council. It’s against regulations to screw over the Alliance liaison. Isn’t that right, Kaidan?”

Her tone was teasing, but Kaidan didn’t trust himself to speak. He just nodded and swallowed.

“If you’ll come with me, major,” she said. “I have some other people to introduce you to.”

“Need more medigel, Shepard. Supply is low,” Mordin informed her. “Good to meet you, Major Alenko.”

“On it,” Shepard said with a nod, while Kaidan just stammered, “Huh-uh-yeah.”

Not sure what other weird characters awaited him now, Kaidan followed Shepard out of the med bay and around the corner into the elevator. As the doors slid shut, he suddenly felt awkward, very aware of her presence. He swore he could almost feel the heat of her from over here. Or maybe that was him still blushing from Mordin’s conversation.

“That’s your, uh, doctor?” Kaidan asked her, trying to keep his tone light.

“Sort of,” Shepard replied. “Since I’m as much tech as human now…” She broke off suddenly and shrugged. “Mordin’s useful.”

“Why was he…ah…?” Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck, unsure how to ask that question.

“Why is he trying to get me laid, you mean?” Shepard asked with her usual candor. “That’s just Mordin,” she said with a shrug. “He sees everyone as a complex machine. And since machines need lubrication…ah, um.” She cleared her throat and looked away. “Anyhow, he’s just trying to take care of me, in his own weird way.”

“And has he?” Kaidan asked, trying not to give the question any particular weight.

“Has he what?” Shepard asked, slanting a glance at him. With her eyes narrowed like that, Kaidan knew he shouldn’t press the issue, but he couldn’t help himself.

“You know, taken care of you? Gotten someone else to take care of you?”

Shepard’s mouth dropped open in outrage. “The hell, Kaidan!”

“What?” he asked, defensively. “I was just curious.”

“You’ve got a lot of nerve,” she said. “Playing the jealous boyfriend when I know you’re still seeing that doctor. So if you’re implying that I don’t have the right to move on…”

“Doctor?” Kaidan interrupted, baffled. “What are you talking about?”

“I stopped by the hospital,” Shepard said, glaring at him. “Doctor Michele told me she’d seen you.”

“Well yeah, considering that I was hooked up to life support for a while there…”

Just then, the doors to the cargo bay slid open, but Shepard didn’t leave the elevator.

“This was before that,” Shepard said, her voice cold and furious in the small space. “After Horizon. You went to the clinic to pick up your girlfriend and Doctor Michele saw you.”

“I just there to propose,” Kaidan said, now remembering. “I mean,” he added quickly, when Shepard’s eyes widened in disbelief. “I went as moral support for a friend and he was proposing. To his girlfriend. Who wasn’t Lisa. Honest, Shepard. I saw Lisa one more time to tell her it was over and then I ran into her that other time by mistake. Doctor Michele must have thought…oh hell,” he muttered. “You’re not going to believe me anyway, are you?”

“I usually take my friends at their word,” Shepard said, raising a brow. “Unlike some people I know.”

“Ouch.” Kaidan scowled at her, but he didn’t leave the elevator. Shepard considered him a moment, then punched the button by her elbow. The doors slid shut and the elevator started to move. Kaidan looked at her nervously.

“Where are we going?” he asked.

“You swear?” Shepard asked, ignoring his question. “You absolutely swear?”

“Swear what?” Kaidan replied. “About Lisa? Yes! God Shepard, what is this? An interrogation? Look, that ended a while ago. Wasn’t much to begin with. After all, it wouldn’t be fair to continue things with Lisa when I was waiting to hear back from you.”

Kaidan paused. He hadn’t meant to say it quite like that.

“Look,” he pressed on. “Why else do you think I wrote to you after Horizon? I wanted to hear from you. And you certainly took your sweet time writing back.”

“I was trying to stop the Collectors,” Shepard said, defensively.

“You still could have written something.”

“I did,” she snapped, as the elevator stopped and the doors slid open.

“That’s right,” Kaidan said, folding his arms over his chest. “A novel’s worth of ‘what the hell’ and crazy.”

Shepard’s mouth opened in indignation, then she snapped her teeth together so tightly that they clicked. Turning her back on Kaidan, she walked out of the elevator. Kaidan groaned.

“Dammit, Shepard,” he said, following after her. “I didn’t mean…”

But then the doors slid shut behind him and Kaidan realized where he was.

“Oh hell,” he said, pointing a finger to one side, “Is this…?”

“Welcome to my place, Kaidan,” Shepard said, absently gesturing at the room. “Come in, make yourself comfortable. Other than me and the service staff, you’re the only person who’s been in here. Ever.”

“Wait, I…what?” Kaidan backed up a step. “I didn’t come up here for sex, Shepard.”

“Oh, look at you, so sure of yourself,” she said, turning around to face him. “I brought you up here so we could talk without everyone listening. This place is free of bugs…” She trailed off, then shook her head.

“Actually, no it’s not. And that’s what I wanted to tell you.”

Kaidan wasn’t really listening as he took a cautious step into the room. He half expected Cerberus operative to rush him at any moment. At least there had to be defense turrets or something in the place. But no, the place was quiet and peaceful as you please. There was a fish-tank on one wall, a short flight of steps leading down to a bed – Kaidan quickly looked away from that. Then there was a desk and a door that appeared to lead into a small bathroom. Shepard backed up to the desk, half-sitting, half-leaning on it with legs apart her arms folded over her chest.

“Let me level with you, Kaidan,” she said.

“Level with me?” he asked, still distracted by trying not to look at that bed. “How so?”

“I’m bugged.”

“What?”

“I’m bugged,” Shepard said again, rolling her eyes to the ceiling in exasperation.

“The ship is bugged?” Kaidan frowned. Of course, Cerberus would be keeping tabs on her. Of course.

“No, I’m bugged,” Shepard replied. “Me. My eyes. Look close enough, and you’ll see the optics in ‘em. Recording everything I see. Even this.” She waved a hand between the two of them.

“Wait,” Kaidan blinked. “What?”

“I got rebuilt, right?” Shepard said, as if she’d said this a million times before. And maybe she had. “As they were messing around with my body, they added some surveillance stuff to my brain, too,” Shepard went on, “The Illusive Man stuck a greybox in my head. Optic cameras,” she now gestured at her eyes, “Auditory feeds,” she waved a hand at her ears. “So far as Mordin can tell, strong biotic pulses make the whole system go all static, so you can bet your ass I throw on a shield everytime I’m doing anything important. Huh, maybe I should put one on now…”

“So, wait,” Kaidan gaped at her. “You’re broadcasting to the Illusive Man right now?”

“Not right now, no,” Shepard replied, and as she spoke a shimmer of blue ran along her skin. Kaidan shivered, and not only because of what Shepard had just revealed to him. That flicker of blue was still as sexy as ever.

That had to be wrong, Kaidan thought at once. He couldn’t believe he was turned on by Shepard in this moment. Here she was, telling him about how her head had gotten hacked - the confirmation of all his fears - and he was checking out the way biotic flares were sliding along her chest and curving down her thighs. He shook his head hard.

“Yeah, I know,” Shepard said, evidently misunderstanding the source of his distress. “EDI managed to block the QEC feed, but we have to be careful. Every now and then Cerberus hacks their asses back into my greybox and get an upload.”

“You’re hooked up to a QEC?” Kaidan gaped at her.

“What’s a few billion more creds when you’re already invested in rebuilding a soldier, am I right?” Shepard laughed, but it was a tired, bitter sound. “The Illusive Man is a total punk. Point is, I wanted to be the one to tell you. It’s, um… Shit. Well yeah, that’s as good a description as any. It’s shit, and I hate Cerberus, and, um… yeah.”

She shrugged. Kaidan cautiously leaned against the wall opposite the desk. There was a sort of beeping sound off to his right and something lit up in the corner of his vision. Kaidan ignored it as he focused on Shepard.

Her features were a bit hard to read - nothing new there - and the barrier shield kept flickering over her unblinking eyes. Shepard stared at the tips of her boots, her arms still folded.

“Oh, and there’s something like a faraday cage at the base of my skull,” she added, dully, waving a hand at the bottom of her neck. “Mordin said he can’t tell if it’s there to shield me from possible indoctrination or if it’s a source of indoctrination so…” She let out a long breath and raised her head.

“Like I said,” she told him. “I need you to be the one to take me out if something goes wrong.”

“Yeah, okay,” he murmured, still searching her face behind the barrier of biotics.

“Well, geez,” Shepard said, scowling and looking away. “You don’t have to agree that quickly.”

“No, I just…” Kaidan looked at her, then licked his lips as he tried to think of how to say this. He tried to think if he even should say this. As he thought, he allowed his gaze to flicker around the room - until he spotted his own eyes gazing back at him. There was a picture on Shepard’s desk - a picture of Kaidan.

“Didn’t you break that?” he asked, pointing at the picture of himself.

“What?” Shepard jumped a little, then turned her head to look. “Oh that…” she muttered, and for a moment, her fingers twitched and Kaidan thought she might reach to turn it over onto its face. “No, um, I just… I fixed it. How did you know about…” She stopped just as Kaidan answered.

“You wrote to me.”

“The emails, right,” Shepard said. “Yeah I wrote you about a lot of stupid stuff. Sure you had a field day with it, too. More proof that your ex-girl… er, ex-commander – that I’m crazy.”

Shepard swallowed, looking like she wanted to say something more. In the end, she did nothing at all. Shepard just placed the heels of her palms against the desk. At the same time, her shield faded, and she looked Kaidan right in the eye with no barrier between them. And Kaidan suddenly saw something in her eyes that he’d missed back on Horizon.

“You,” Kaidan told her, “Are terrible at lying.”

Shepard scowled at that, a biotic flare shivering over her whole body.

“I am not lying!” she nearly shouted at him.

“I know,” Kaidan agreed. “That’s what I mean. You are the worst liar I have ever met in my life. Why the hell would Cerberus recruit you? You’re an expensive time-bomb just waiting to go off.”

Shepard’s mouth dropped open and closed a few times before she managed, “Well, yeah! I mean, geez, what an insult, but yeah. I mean… You’re just now seeing this? You’re just now believing me? God, Kaidan.”

“No,” he said at once. “I’ve believed you for…”

He couldn’t answer that. It seemed he did believe her, but he couldn’t remember exactly when that had happened.

“Give a guy a break,” he said instead. “Sometimes I’m a bit slow on the uptake.”

“Your words, not mine,” Shepard said.

“So says the woman who…” Kaidan began, but then he shook his head. “No, you know what?” he said. “I’m gonna apologize and leave it at that. I’m sorry it took me so long to believe you. Horizon was just… yeah. Sorry.”

He shrugged. Shepard stared at him.

“What?” he asked, feeling very self-conscious now.

Shepard’s eyes narrowed for a moment, but then she shook her head and looked away. “Okay,” she said, addressing the wall and not Kaidan himself.

“Okay what?”

“Okay,” she said, shrugging. “You’re sorry and I’m sorry…”

“You are?”

“I am. And beyond that? I don’t know.” Shepard frowned, shaking her head. “Alright!” she said, suddenly clapping her hands together. “Both of us are sorry for the past, and we’ve got a galaxy to save. Anything else we gotta get clear on before I introduce you to the rest of the crew?”

“Just one thing,” Kaidan said, pushing away from the wall.

“I..ah, oh?” Shepard said, going very still.

“I want to work this out,” Kaidan told her.

He looked down into her eyes - those eyes that had a faint red glow in the center of them.

All this was being recorded, Kaidan thought. All this might end up with the Illusive Man - biotic static moments notwithstanding. And Shepard might end up dying or going under to indoctrination or they might all die on their next mission. Suddenly, all of that seemed rather pointless in comparison to how much time he’d lost over the past years. It seemed pointless in comparison with whatever time they had left.

“It isn’t going to be easy to figure out the chain of command, Shepard.” As he spoke, he took a step closer.

“Oh,” Shepard said, frowning a little in disappointment. “The liaison thing. You only meant…”

“This isn’t going to be easy to fight this war,” he added, reaching out and running the back of his knuckles along the inside of Shepard’s elbow. She shivered at once, and biotic flares broke out all over her body. Kaidan felt his blood rush to his cock in response.

“And this isn’t going to be easy for me to leave this room right now,” he added, stepping between her legs.

Shepard’s hands came up to Kaidan’s pockets, and she tugged him right up against her, his arousal now flush against hers. Kaidan felt his own biotics flare in response.

“Then why leave?” Shepard murmured, leaning up, even as he leaned down. “You could stay. I don’t mind if you…” She then looked up at him and something flashed through her eyes.

“Damn it, Kaidan,” she murmured. “Why didn’t you stay in the first place?”

With that, her biotics faded. She looked so betrayed that Kaidan now felt sick to his gut. But he forced himself to hold his ground.

“That’s why I’m going to go just now,” he said, solemnly. “I’m going to give myself a day to think this through, a day for you to think this through…”

“A day?”

“I know that’s not a lot of time, but the Reapers sort of have us on a schedule here.”

“I sort of meant why can’t we think this through right now?”

“Because I need a bit longer than you,” Kaidan replied. “But when I’ve thought it out, I want to take you out on a date, okay?”

Whatever else Shepard had been expecting, it clearly wasn’t that. She blinked at him, the let her hands drop from his pockets back to the desk.

“Right,” she said, eyeing him skeptically. “The Reapers have us short on time – so we should go on a date.”

“We’re going to be at the Citadel 2500 hours,” Kaidan told her. “Give me a day to get settled in and think of the best way to apologize and everything…”

“Didn’t you apologize just now?” Shepard wanted to know.

“Well, yeah, but I thought… I dunno. I want to take you on a date, alright? I mean, most people have dinner and a vid before ending up in bed together.”

“We’ve had lots of dinners and vids,” Shepard pointed out. “And we’ve ended up in bed lots of times.”

“Not nearly often enough,” Kaidan said. “Besides, I meant food other than protein rations and vids other than replays from our suit-cams. I meant an actual date. Hey, just indulge your alliance liaison, okay? I want a day to clear my head and then I want to take you on a date.”

Shepard stared into his eyes for a long moment, then reached her hand up behind his neck and tugged him forward.

“Okay,” she told him. “But don’t expect me to wear a dress.”

“I would never…”

But Kaidan got no further than that before Shepard pulled his mouth to hers. Her tongue swept into his mouth, licking his tongue, her hands twined around his neck, dragging him down to her. Kaidan felt himself burst into heat and biotic energy all at once, even as his eyes slid shut against the glare. Then it felt like Shepard was everywhere - one hand along his back, the other cupping his buttock, his arousal was grinding against her, he heard himself groan…

“Tomorrow then,” Shepard said, pushing him away.

Kaidan could do nothing but blink down at her stupidly. What the hell…?

“This was your idea,” she reminded him.

Oh right. Now it seemed a stupid idea.

“I mean,” she added, “if you want to suffer for another day…”

“You’re cruel, Shepard.”

She smirked for a moment, then her smiled faded. “You know, you can stay,” she told him.

“I’ll stay tomorrow,” Kaidan told her, determined to stick with his plan, now that he was thinking clearly again. Mostly clearly anyhow.

“Alright then,” Shepard shrugged. “If you’re sure. Me, I’m damn horny.”

“Wha… Oh?” Kaidan said, taken off guard by Shepard’s candid statement.

“Whelp, okay then,” she said, pushing him a step back and sliding out from under his arms. “You want to go meet the crew with that mound between your legs, be my guest.” She brushed herself off as easy as you please, then headed for the elevator.

“Ready?” she asked, turning to Kaidan.

Kaidan tried to think of something to say to that, but utterly failed. Really, he wondered. This was the woman he’d feared had turned into a terrorist? She was just as honest and impossible as she’d ever been. Right now, Kaidan felt like they were back on the old Normandy, picking up exactly where they had left off. Only that bed down there looked a lot softer than the previous one they’d shared…

“Hurry up,” Shepard called from outside in the corridor. “Let’s meet the crew, then I’ll dump you in the port observation room for the night. To think,” she added pointedly, as Kaidan followed her into the elevator. “And maybe if you’re really nice on our date, you can come back and visit sometime.”

“Don’t worry, Shepard,” Kaidan said as the doors slid shut. “I plan to be very nice to you from now on.”

Shepard grinned in reply. “I’ll hold you to that promise,” she said.